February 2010
For the record; no I didn’t - I’ll give you one guess why. I’m fucking drunk and I’m gonna regret this tomorrow, but fuck it. I just don’t give a fuck anymore. I can’t care anymore, it’s killing me. I’m sorry for bringing you into all this shit. I’m sorry for ever caring too much, and i’m sorry for being a fucking cunt.
Good luck. I mean...
tell the truth.
i’m laying in my hospital bed. the doctors aren’t able to tell me what my problem is, but all these wires going into my body, and the heartrate monitor tell me this isn’t going well.
i’m trying to come to terms with what is happening. i’ve been on a slow decline for the past few weeks until i was admitted into hospital on sunday morning. they tell me they...
I know these words are cried in vain, and i’m sick and tired of re-tracing the steps of the past however many.
I know when, I know why, and I don’t place any blame - it still hurts though.
My new years night note.
If I die tonight, I died wishing…
I remember vividly writing that note, I kept going outside to make a call to someone, just trying to act cool about arrival/departures, and then facing facts that airlines sometimes don’t come my way — let’s face it, they rarely do. I went back inside to say bye to my friends - I had no way of getting home and they knew that. I walked up this dark dock, past the...
“Time flies by, and you’re the only thing that stays on my mind - I...”
this
deafening silence.
it’s breaking me.
i have approached the bench.
i need to pay for my crimes.
i need to be rehabilitated via a stint in jail.
i’m sorry for my crimes, and i won’t be breaking the law again - i know them and i won’t break them - i can’t do it anymore - for my sake though, not yours.
an ending in Y revision;
don’t get me wrong, i hate monday’s, but sunday’s are my worst day.
it’s the impending week that gets me the most - working 9-5 in a job that is sucking the life out of me.
feeling like death after a night of regret.
and now to add to it; i don’t speak to you sundays, and i don’t know why, and i don’t know why this upsets me too - but it does, it feels...
i have dependency issues.
i’m sorry.
ill always remember...
driving, drinking, watching and listening, just being..
i’ll never ever forget it, and even if thats it - thats enough. it was magic for me.
i wasn’t shy, and i wasn’t worried, i was almost completely content which is more than what i can say for most of the time - even though i did have gripes, they just didn’t matter - and thats rare for me.
maybe this is why.
maybe.
...
“I’ll fight for you, no one else is going to..they’re too busy...”
– Milo.
heres the things i meant.. but i never said:
i’m not being blunt, i’m just sad. I missed you yesterday, that sucks on a few levels that i don’t want to bother explaining. i’m also worried about you, but i’m not gonna tell you that, because then you’ll know i care too much and tell me i worry too much, and after 21 years of receiving those lines, i don’t much want to hear them again - if i worry,...
and now i’m eating my words.
well…
sort of.
my 'wonder years' never got cancelled.
i hate monday’s.
i’ve hated them for as far back as i can remember, but..
i hate them more now..
i never know if you’ll be here, and that fucking sucks.
i don’t want to bullshit it with lame attempts at words that i barely have a grasp on..
it just fucking sucks.
i keep hoping i’ll turn to my right and see you sitting in your spot, probably on facebook or...
Milo was my Morrissey..
And I’m sick of your tattoos, and the way you always criticize the Descendents…
and Milo.
I don’t see the glamour in it. It just worries me, more to the point. Myself and everyone else.
I have jealousy issues. I don’t want to explain them.
Take care, world. I mean it.
3 months ago, I hated Brand New. I hated them because it was easy to hate the band that everyone seems to hold this special love for — it was easy to be ‘different’, and I liked that. I never liked ‘the devil and god’, and I only liked one song off ‘deja entendu’. My friend from Melbourne had always loved them and always pestered me to listen to...
I hate the days of silence. I hate OUR days of silence. It makes me worry; did I say something? Did I say too much? Are you with someone? With him at his house? I worry. I hate our days of silence.
One day I’ll be able to sing and have a band all these words of misery will be romantic rather than tragic —what they are now.
I need to get rid of my phone when drinking; what a fucking disaster. I need to stop drinking.
15 minutes with you.
I know how to drink a 6 pack on my own, and I’m most definitely damaged too. I’m about to have a nervous breakdown. I won’t though, I’ve got strength that certainly doesn’t come from me.
I’ll be Sid, you be Nancy.
I’ll stab you to death, but I just want you to bleed for me because I would bleed for you too. I want you to burn. I want you to see how it feels. Because I would do it all for you too.
And on February 2nd, I will.
Sid and Nancy.
I don’t believe in miracles and blessings; but I couldn’t lie that i would be knee deep in it right now it if I did.
I can’t escape this feeling in my chest - I could trudge along easier but everyday it’s rejuvinated by forces I could never begin to articulate - the warmth and beauty in the world.
I told you I’d never show you this because I’m honestly pretty embarresed by it but…..
http://www.myspace.com/whendaylightsaves
Don’t laugh. Or do. I’ll laugh with you.
I kind of freak out still when I hear those vocals. Wow. Horrible.
Hate is defense.
I hate that you’re so perfect and so popular because of jealousy. I wish I were apart of your world.
I hate my world because it beats me and it’s easier to give up and drag my feet than to overcome adversity.
I hate my emotions because I can’t control them, I can’t accept them and it beats me.
I hate that I worry about our friendship over the slightest...
I hate how fucking perfect you always look, and how fucking popular you are and that everyone waits on your words like gospel, I hate that I’m one of those religious fanatics. I fucking hate this, and it’s getting too much to bare. I hate this stupid fucking blog, and more so that I reject it once a week and come crawling back because I can’t keep my emotions in check long enough...
and you only hide because you know i’ll find you.
Sweet thing, I hope that you know i’m wonderin’ where you are. You say this could work someday, when you and I both know this is the end where we let go.
Yeah well, I…
I…
Nothing.
But at least I know, now. I’m finally regaining consciousness.
This is it (for you and me).
I should have never laid eyes on you.
I can’t get to you, I swear i’ve tried.
If I can’t get to you, I’ll never love again.
Don’t let her pull you down.
I got so much trouble on my mind.
Everyday i live with the vice.
The hardest fight for me will be the ’
And the ‘
I can live with that, but it hurts.
I feel cheated. I just wish -
But I understand, I’m fairly certain I understand it all. That gets me too. I guess it’s the whole thing.
That’s enough from me.
Expectations/reality.
The story of my life.
‘There’s enough bullshit in the world without my help’.
Remembering Sunday.
He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Started making his way past
Two in the morning
He hasn’t been sober for days
Leaning now into the breeze
Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees
They had breakfast together
But two eggs don’t last
Like the feeling of what he needs
Now this place seems familiar to him
She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin
She led him upstairs
She...
raw life. I took those things from you tonight, I don’t understand the tape thing? Fuck off greer. See me tomorrow, at least so I can give you your mix.
The race is starting. I’m leaving this all behind.
It doesn’t matter how you read them, we’ll always be on different pages. A big mistake so just erase them, tear them out and burn them. “Please forget because I’ve forgotten.” Say these words and I’ll leave. I promise. We’ll always be on different pages. Go ahead and turn them. We used to share our smiling faces but honestly those were only phases....
So I just don’t give a fuck anymore, man. I’m not gonna fuckin’ bust, and I’m not gonna wreck my brain thinkin’ it through.
This is me walkin’ past. No could have beens no should have beens. I’m gone, man. I’m gone.
I live with the truth that I tried, that’s enough for me. Where you at on that?
I sat down to make you something, and when I did it felt like a 5 foot wave broke right on me. It’s seems endless. It seems too much to contemplate. I could go on for days doing it. I am disappointed that you won’t have it tomorrow. I know that’s corny and stupid, but I guess that’s just who i am. I am going to get back on my board, this wave won’t beat me. I am...
We are the nostalgic generation. We are constantly searching and looking back at ourselves, and people who weren’t us, chasing a better life, or at least a better time for the world. I remember when I never needed to look back for the good times, not that I knew they would be the best days of my life, but I didn’t have to think about 5 years ago when life was easier, or pretend I lived...
Unlearn. Rewire.
Still no hope for the homeless and the lost.
Still no hope for proper defined morality, external to ancient established ideals scribbled in a novel littered with hate.
Still prevailed prejudice on issues that should have ceased 150 years ago.
Still being lied to by the politicians and media with fear tactics and lies.
Take back our lives. Take back our world. Take back the...
Songs for a mixtape. Work In progress.
Side A - Your side.
American football - but the regrets are killing me.
Aqualung - strange&beautiful.
Bishop Allen - middle management.
Chuck ragan - the boat.
The dangerous summer - The permanent rain.
Crime in stereo - …but you are the vast.
The starting line - somebodys gonna miss us.
Jay reatard - blood visions.
Renee heartfelt - gratitude, (for).
The gaslight...
